A
man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. It's
mid-afternoon, so apart from the bartender he has the place pretty
much to himself. All of a sudden he hears a soothing voice that
says, "Nice suit!" He turns round but there's no one there, and the
bartender looks busy cleaning some glasses. A short while later the
same soft voice says, "Nice tie!" The man looks round once more and
still he doesn't see anyone. Then, when he takes out his mobile to
call his boss, the mysterious voice is there yet again: "Nice
phone!"
Puzzled and perplexed the man turns to the bartender to ask if he'd just said something.
"No," replied the bartender, "it wasn't me. Perhaps it was the peanuts. They're complimentary."
***
Last Saturday I decided to drop in at the
army surplus store.
After checking the place out, I went up to
the man at the service counter.
"You certainly have a great selection, but I can't seem to find the camouflage jackets."
"Absolutely phenomenal, aren't they sir?!"
***
"I do hope you'll forgive my friend's behavior.
His wife went and left him last week."
"Oh dear, I AM sorry to hear that..."
".And today she came back again."
***
A
wealthy businessman was walking down the street when he was accosted
by a shabby-looking homeless man who asked
him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The businessman took out his
wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money,
would you buy some Budweiser with it instead?"
"No, of course not. I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Would you use it to gamble with instead of buying food?"
"No, I never gamble" the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Would you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," continued the businessman, "I've decided not to give you the two dollars after all. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm pretty dirty, and I probably smell bad too."
"Don't worry about that," replied the businessman. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up Budweiser, gambling and golf!"
***
A
London bobby apprehends a cycling priest for letting go of the
handlebars so he could pray while on the move.
"Sorry Reverend, I'm going to have to fine you twenty-five pounds for cycling without due care and attention on a public highway."
"Oh golly Moses! I assure you there was no
real danger, officer.
The
guiding hand of the Lord was steering me in and out of the traffic."
"In that case that'll be another ten pounds for carrying a passenger!"
***
"Barber,
what do you charge for a haircut?"
"35 dollars, sir."
"And what about a shave?"
"20 dollars for a shave."
"In that case would you mind shaving my head?"
An
American businessman arrives in Japan on a business trip. He doesn't
like Japanese food very much, so he asks the concierge at his hotel
if there's any place to get something Western style. The concierge
tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and
they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number,
and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes
later the delivery guy shows up at the door with the pizza. The
businessman takes the pizza and immediately starts sneezing
uncontrollably. He asks the deliveryman, "What the heck did you put
on this pizza?"
The deliveryman bows deeply and says, "We put on pizza what customer ordered: pepper only!"
***
Waiting
there in the garden, she saw him running toward her.
"Jenny! My flower!"
He'd uttered those magic words at last..."Oh, Jack!"
"Jenny, my flower!"
"Oh, Jack ... Jack, I love you too!"
Jack finally reached her, knelt down ... and pushed her aside.
"My flower! You were standing on my prize-winning rose!"
***
A
hospital patient wakes up after a surgical procedure to see a whole
bunch of grim-looking medical students staring down at him. At the
other end of the bed and equally grim-faced stands the surgeon who
performed the operation. He looks young and inexperienced.
"OK, tell me the worst, Doc. Am I going to pull through?" the patient wants to know.
"I have some bad news ... and I have some good news," the surgeon begins.
"Then t-t-tell me the bad news first," the patient responds in a state of confusion.
"Well, we seem to have made a slight mistake and amputated the wrong leg."
"Oh my God, no, no ... you haven't, have you?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so. But here's the good news. We won't have to amputate the other leg after all. Isn't that great?"
***
It's
3 o'clock in the morning. A couple are fast asleep when suddenly
the phone rings. Half dazed and thoroughly annoyed, the husband
picks up the phone and says, "Hello? What? ... Well, how the devil
do I know? I'm not the blasted weatherman now am I?" ... and he
promptly slams down the receiver.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that, honey?"
The husband replies, "I don't know. Just some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
***
Two
attorneys walked into a diner and ordered two drinks. They then
produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The
owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You
can't eat your own food in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and promptly exchanged sandwiches.
***
A man on a bus is staring at the guy sitting opposite. Before long the other guy starts staring back and demands to know why he is the focus of so much attention.
"I'm very sorry," begins the first man, "but if it weren't for the moustache you'd look just like my wife!"
"But I don't have any moustache!" protests the other.
"See what I mean?" he replies.
***
"Mike,
darling, what is it about me you find so attractive?"
"Well, that's not easy to say!"
"Is it my personality?"
"No."
"Is it my figure?"
"No."
"Is it my charisma?"
"No."
"Oh, I give in."
"That's it!"
Yesterday
my girlfriend took me to meet her parents for the very first time
and I'm not sure I made a very good impression. After eying me up and down, the father took me to one side:
"Tell me, young man, are your intentions toward our daughter honorable or dishonorable?"
"You mean to say I have a choice?"
"No, we'd just like you to know our daughter has always been well reared."
"That I can imagine. There's nothing much wrong with her front half either!"
***
"Waiter, are those eggs fresh?"
"I'm afraid I wouldn't know, madam ... I only lay the tables!"
"Waiter, what exactly is this I'm eating?"
"It's bean soup, sir."
"I don't wish to know what it's been...I'd like to know what it is!"
"Waiter, the food in this restaurant is utterly attrocious. I demand to speak to the manager!"
"I'm terribly sorry, madam. He's out to lunch."
***
An
Anglican priest on his way to church on Sunday morning passes one of
his non-churchgoing male parishioners hard at work on his garden.
Seeking to put the man's efforts into some kind of divine
perspective on the Sabbath, he walks up to him and says: "Good
morning, Mr. Jones! What a magnificent job you and the good Lord
have been doing on this beautiful garden!"
The man looks up, smiles and says: "Well
that's very kind of you, Reverend.
You should have seen the mess
it was in when the good Lord had it to himself!"
***
A mother's advice to her daughter about choosing the right man:
- You need a man who has a good job and is a good provider.
- You need a man who worships you and treats you like a princess.
- You need a man who can make you laugh.
- You need a man who can satisfy you physically.
- And you need to make absolutely sure that none of them ever meet!
***
There
was once a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could
get he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was a
complete and utter obsession with him. One Sunday it was an absolutely
perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, there was no wind, there
was not a cloud in the sky, the humidity was low, and the temperature was just right. The
preacher was in a quandary as to what to do and finally the urge to
play golf entirely overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him he was
too sick to take the Sunday service, he loaded up the car and drove
three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him.
Without a care in the world he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to the Lord and said, "Look at that preacher. I think he should be punished for what he is doing." The good Lord nodded in agreement.
The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away — a picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to the Lord and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
The good Lord smiled. "Think about it. Who can he tell about his success?"
***
JAPANESE
BANKING NEWS
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly-up and that Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you've guessed it!) going for a song. Meanwhile, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, with staff there fearing they may all get a raw deal.
***
A man was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted zone. The judge asked him if he had anything at all to say in his defense.
"I certainly have, your honor. The sign said 'fine if you park here,' so that's precisely what I did!"
***
A
highly successful entrepreneur had a meeting with his new
son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the
family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm
making you a 50/50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go
to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted him: "I'm afraid I hate factories and I can't stand noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then, in that case you'll just have to work in the office and take charge of some of the operations there."
"I
hate office work too," said the young man. "I've never been able to
put up with being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Now wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a money-making enterprise and now you tell me you don't like factories and you don't want to work in an office. What am I supposed to do with you?"
"That's easy," replied the young man. "Just buy me out!"
***
A middle-aged couple caught stealing baggage at London's Heathrow Airport have confessed to police that a further hundred cases should be taken into account.
***
It's
just gone three in the morning. Far, far away from home a dog-tired
driver decides to stop by the roadside for a couple of hours' sleep
at the wheel of his car. He drops off almost the moment he shuts his
eyes but is soon awoken by a man tapping on the window. "I say, you
don't happen to know the time, do you?" the stranger asks.
"It's gone three o'clock," the dazed driver replies. He winds up his window and soon falls back into another deep slumber. Half an hour later another individual knocks on his window, also demanding to know the time. The driver once again gathers his thoughts and tells him it's twenty to four.
When the same thing happens yet again, the now increasingly irritated, sleep-deprived driver raises his voice at the passer-by: "It's four o'clock, for Pete's sake! Why can't you get yourself a decent watch like the rest of us?"
This time when he winds up the window he is determined not to be disturbed by anybody anymore for any reason whatsoever for the rest of the night. Hurriedly he pencils a note with the words "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!" and attaches it to the windshield. Despite being pretty worked up he eventually drifts off back to sleep again.
Not long afterwards, his note is spotted by a public-spirited police officer who knocks on the man's window to inform him it's half past four.
A
man and a woman get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both
cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says: "So you're a man
and I'm a woman...that's highly significant. And just look at our
cars...there's nothing left of them! But the remarkable thing is
that neither of us is hurt. This must surely be a sign from the
Almighty that we were destined to meet and be friends and live
together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replies, "I agree with you entirely, this must indeed be a sign from the good Lord!"
"And look at this," the woman continues,
"here's another miracle. My car is a complete write-off and yet this
bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine
to celebrate our good fortune, doesn't he?" She hands
the
bottle to the man. Eagerly nodding in agreement, he opens
it and takes a few large swigs before handing it back to the woman.
To his surprise she simply puts the cap back on the bottle and
returns it to him.
"Well, aren't you having any?" he asks disappointedly.
"No," she replies. "I'll just sit right here and wait for the police to arrive!"
***
Sherlock
Holmes and Doctor Watson have pitched a tent while on a camping
expedition. In the middle of the night Holmes nudges Watson to
question him.
HOLMES: "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce."
WATSON: "I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it is quite likely there are some planets like the Earth, and if there are a few planets like the Earth out there, then there might also be life, and if ..."
HOLMES: "Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent."
***
A father-to-be gets into a panic when his wife suddenly goes into labor. He calls up the local hospital and appeals for immediate help: "Er ... this is an emergency ... we need an ambulance right away ... the contractions keep coming every two minutes!"
"Is this her first child?" inquires the nurse.
"No, it's her husband, you fool!"
An American touring Spain stops at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he notices a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. He asks the waiter: "What is that you just served?"
The
waiter replies: "Ah señor, you have excellent taste! Those are the
bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A true delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, says: "What the heck, I AM on vacation. Bring me an order!"
The waiter replies: "I am-a-sorry, señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save for you this remarkable delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returns, places his order, and then that evening he is served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he calls to the waiter and says: "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugs his shoulders and replies: "Si señor. Sometimes the bull wins, you know."
***
You
simply won't get better!
"For headaches, feverishness, sore throats and other symptoms of colds or flu, nothing acts faster than Panadin Plus."
"And that's why I take nothing."
***
Two women sitting in the same compartment of an older Brittish train were locked in a heated argument over the window. One of them wanted it up and the other wanted it down. In the end the conductor was called in to settle the dispute.
Said
one: "If the window is up, I won't be able to breathe. I'll
suffocate."
Said the other: "If the window is down, I'll catch my death of cold."
Understandably, the conductor was perplexed.
"I think the pair of them should be willing to compromise," suggested a businessman who had been forced to spend the entire journey standing up. "Why don't we first have the window up and suffocate No. 1 and then have it down to kill off No. 2? After that perhaps we can all get some peace and quiet!"
***
A
truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a
cheeseburger, a cup of coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was
about to eat, three motorcycles pulled up outside. The three bikers
came swaggering in, seemingly bored with life and just looking for
trouble. One of them grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger out of his
hand and took a huge bite from it, the second one took a swig of the
trucker's coffee, and the third one wolfed down his apple pie.
The patient truck driver didn't utter a word, merely got up, paid the cashier and left.
As soon as he was gone, the bikers started to snicker and congratulate themselves on just how "bad" they'd all been. When the waiter finally walked up to them, one of the bikers growled, "He sure wasn't much of a man now was he?"
"He wasn't much of a driver either," the waiter replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three Harley-Davidsons!"
***
A
young woman is beginning to doubt her boyfriend's sincerity:
"Jason, there are times when I think you only want me for my body!"
"Don't be silly, Daphne. You know I've always seen you as a whole."
"A WHAT? That just about does it, as far as I'm concerned!"
A
husband, wishing to prove to his wife that women talk more than men,
showed her a study which indicated that men use on average only
15,000 words a day, while women use 30,000.
She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they end up having to repeat everything they say.
"What?" he replied.
***
Sign
seen outside a popular delicatessen:
"Our tongue sandwiches speak for themselves!"
***
Notice posted on a café wall:
"If you think our waitresses are rude, you should see the manager!"
***
A wealthy businessman is making small talk with a 21-year-old female companion:
"Tricia, my dear, what on earth can a beautiful young damsel like you possibly see in an old fuddy-duddy like me?"
"Oh George, don't be silly now. You know I love your company!
Er..it is still making money, isn't it?"
***
Last night I dreamed I was awake.
And when I woke up ... I WAS!
Discover the joys of sleepwalking...
Get yourself a good night's rest and burn off excess calories!
